There’s this border line in life that eventually, you’ll reach once everything in your life falls apart. The line between life and death.
Continue the life that made you suffer? Or live with your belief that you can live no matter what? I’m caught between these two choices. I’ve been happy, felt it always, on a daily basis. Then there’s sadness, always there, ready to take charge once happiness leaves. But life's a constant replay, no new things come my way, if ever there was, everything would be momentary and it’ll end up in me feeling sad after all. Is it just me or is it life? Was it the way I lived life or was it life itself playing out on me? Then there’s God, do I believe in God? That’s a hard one. I do believe in something. I hate religion, any religion. But I believe there’s Someone out there, watching over. I don’t know if He’s going to punish me for thinking He does not exist. Stupid? Yes. Now what is there to life that would make me want to continue?
How did my life fall apart? No, it did not. I’m just over-exaggerating. I just tired-out. Tired of the boring life i’ve been in. Never really found happiness in anything. Money can be useful sometimes, made me forget that there’s this hole in my brain looking for contentment. Sometimes there are thoughts that are worth something. But the meaning will fade in time. And you’ll feel lost and guilty, you'd simply want to end all your search for purpose.
Am I selfish? Am I supposed to live for myself or others? Am I supposed to believe in something? Do I have to continue for others or do I stop because i’m lost for words and strength to carry on? Did I give-up too early? Is there hope? Why do I feel empty? Why do I want to die so badly? Why, when people are fighting for their lives, would I waste mine? Did I ever care? Did I learn love? Did I earn love? Have I given too much? Have I received too much? Is my purpose done? And who the hell said, people have purposes? Why am I at war with myself and can’t win the battle? Why is my character weak? When did I learn surrender? Why can’t I be happy, plain and simple? What have I done in life? I’m an unaccomplished man. I’m not old but why have I accepted defeat? And I call death defeat. Who knows what is there after life? Is it hell? Or heaven that they say you’ll receive once you embrace God, or religion? I have no way of telling the truth. I don't even think I'm still thinking rational anymore. I’m just a man, who accepted everything as worth throwing.
Then I cracked, and I cried. I’m lost I know. But in this situation, when do you say stop? I’m like a child, weeping. I want to call for Mom, thought everything will be alright once she arrives. But she left, years ago, probably there in heaven. No one’s going to save me now. Who’s to blame?
Wrote this sometime last year when I'm feeling really depressed. I was sad that I felt helpless. But I did not end this little soul inside me that we call life. I fought and pressed on, thinking everything's not lost.
So here I am.
